“ There was a time when I was in so much pain that I believed taking my own life would ease the burden on my husband and 18 month old son. I’m so grateful that I made the right choice, and can now see the gift in that dark time: the ability to authentically help heal others battling chronic pain.”
So how did I get to the point where I contemplated suicide?
Throughout most of my childhood I had stomach pain that was so severe, I crawled along the floor sometimes. I kept it quiet because no-one believed me and it made mum angry.
Mum had mental health issues and was emotionally and physically abusive, and my father was emotionally distant.
At one point my parents took me to a specialist who found nothing wrong with me. I remember feeling intensely sad, alone, and told again that I was a liar. So I learned to live with the pain, finished school and got a job.
Then one day I woke up to go to work and finished the day in hospital. I was very unwell after weeks of eating very little, having severe stomach cramps and going to the bathroom so many times each day I lost count.
Finally I had a diagnosis: ulcerative colitis (an inflammatory bowel disease that causes stomach pain, diarrhoea and bleeding). By that stage I was so weak I spent three months in a wheelchair.
It took 3 years, but I healed myself by changing my diet, taking the right supplements and focusing on my mindset.
Ten years on, I was pregnant with my first child. To stop myself from falling after a slip, I twisted to grab a bench. My baby was safe, but I had split my pubic bone, torn a ligament and tendon in my leg, and dislocated my hips. The rest of my pregnancy was spent on walking sticks, house bound and taking painkillers to ease the pain.
Doctors had predicted that after my son was born the pain would abate, but it didn’t. I had my new baby at home, was in pain, miserable, and kept increasing the amount of painkillers I was taking to cope.
One day when my son was 18 months old I was home with him, lying on the couch when he jumped on me. I was in so much agony that I yelled at him.
I felt useless and like an awful burden on my family… like they would be better off without me. So that’s when I considered taking my own life, because I felt it was the most unselfish thing I could do.
Thankfully I listened to my inner voice that day: it’s not true. I had healed myself from ulcerative colitis, learned to walk again three times, and knew that I could do it again.
I started by trialing Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). EFT uses a sequence of tapping on the body’s energy meridians to remove disruptions in the body’s energy systems.
At first I was skeptical, but with time and dedication, I decreased the amount of painkillers I was taking until I stopped taking them altogether.
Using EFT I realised that I felt better each time I released an old trauma. Without knowing it my body was holding onto a lot of old “gunk”, and each time I worked on releasing it, I felt better.
I was so excited about the improvements in me that I dedicated my time to learning about EFT, whilst using myself as a guinea pig to find other modalities that work.
Now 2 years on, as a Pain Transformation Coach, I love seeing the positive changes in my clients. It’s what lights me up.
I feel so blessed. Because despite everything I went through, I found my gift and my Y.
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